I Tried To But I Can't Really Express What I Mean Since I'm Not English. (Edit: Well, I'm Fluent In English,

I tried to but I can't really express what I mean since I'm not English. (Edit: Well, I'm fluent in English, but I remember I was really tired at that moment so my brain was already in jumbles.) I think I also offended someone because of that. I wanted to be smooth, trying to use the words that might make them relate though it wasn't worded the way I meant it. And I didn't even have the time to fully explain myself without getting a cold shoulder. THIS WAS REALLY HARD ON ME, PEOPLE. I'm just really bad with interacting with people and since this incident I've been scared to interact with people online, too. Imagine getting so insecure to the point of trying to make friends online triggers your social anxiety, haha! I'm just socially awkward and I was trying to make people like me by acting tough and cool… I guess bloody tampons are a sensitive topic? Like women menstruate? Is that so bad? Is nature, how it has been going since, what, 10000b.c too much for you? You know what? Whatever. I could ramble about how shitty things have been and how this all came to be the way it is now. I'm done pretending like I'm the one being at fault whilst I STILL DON'T FUCKING KNOW WHAT I DID WRONG. (Edit: Was angry.)

I'm a voluntary swimming teacher for children between 5-12 and we had a mandatory schooling on how to do it when you find yourself in this or that situation. I had my period. My period came very inconveniently in contrast to that mandatory schooling, and so it was my first time using a tampon. When I was done, me and my childhood friend from when I was 2 (24y/o, female) were in the dressing stalls (she had recommended me to work for her and her crew, which I accepted after the trials), and I couldn't place my tampon anywhere without leaving smudges. I saw this hook on the wall where you could hang your clothes on, and hung my tampon with the string there. It's not normal to do that so I was laughing so dryly at it for like a half hour straight. My childhood friend was enjoying my reaction from her stall, too. I took a picture because the way it just hung there on a hook that was made for hanging clothes NOT tampons was so silly and so funny to me. It was new and funny to me. And I like to share my silly and funny experiences solely to talk about it and how much of a weird goober I am. In this case, I wasn't expressive enough, apparently, because people started dropping out of the servers and blocking me all of a sudden. (Edit: GUYS I think FR I'm schizophrenic, my mind filled in the gaps I forgot. I CLEARLY remember writing a thorough explanation, but I DIDN'T. It happened yesterday, too. I was packing my bag for school and I thought I had packed my German book since I had looked at it and read the words 'Neue Kontakte' (name of the method we use), I turned my room upside down to find my Dutch book, couldn't find it. (Which I later on the day found out was the German book I initially thought was in my bag) and the German book was the book I left at home (apparently, I CLEARLY REMEMBER PACKING IT.) I might have schizophrenia or I'm suffering from early dementia… This is the third time this happened to me. (EDIT TO THE EDIT: I JUST FOUND OUT THOSE ARE CALLED PSEUDO-MEMORIES AND I'M READING AN ARTICLE ABOUT IT SO I CAN FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET RID OF THESE WEIRDASS MEMORIES. (Edit to another edit's edit: I have hallucinations and pseudo-memories. Diagnosed myself; daughter of a psychologist. (can't exactly say for sure but I am trippin over here, that's certain.))

I mean, how bad at expressing could I be mess this up? I was stressing waaaay too much because I knew I had made someone uncomfortable. And this person below wasn't even one of the people I sent that image to, so I freaked out when I read that. Those were the only words I could come up with after experiencing TWICE an anxiety attack on the same day. (Edit: Feeling the lingering anxiety rn, but I'm a blunt, quite impulsive bitch so I couldn't left this feeling unnoticed without making things clear for people.) :

"I'm a little autistic about it." I meant that I'm quite oblivious to boundaries, I just cannot see them for unknown reasons. My mom is a psychologist, she had told me that people with ASD often can't read the situation. It isn't the best explanation, that I'm aware, but… I was trying to find common grounds to make explaining things easier… I couldn't even think clear, let alone come up with a decent response, because I was panicking, panicking, panicking, and once again, PANICKING. I was about to say I was sorry when… Blocked. Yeah, I could kiss my chances goodbye. At that point I just felt hollow, numb even. (Edit: this is what I meant with 'offending someone'.)

I was panicking. Like really, severely panicking. This person was the only person to talk to me normally and not block me… So I tried closing everything off to calm down and come back later to explain myself… Or so I thought.

Yeah, that was when it didn't sit right with me anymore and called it quits. The last straw, you could say.

I'm sorry for ranting and venting but I've just about had it. I really enjoy being interactive with people as Blueberry Anon, but it's been such a mental drain that I'm fucking up my school career. I'm so tired of being excluded solely because I'm bad at expressing whatever I am, and fitting into… Whatever 'society' means. Big 'go cry about it' moment rn, guys.

And now I announce, with a big sigh, the conclusion: I'm just silly, guys. Silly, inexpressive, and someone who just wants to be a fun person. Not someone who has to run away for something as trivial as this. Seriously. (I can't exactly say run, though. If my reaction follows the flee, fight, freeze and fawn psychology… I would be ostrich.)

Then again, sorry for the long text! Sorry for venting. Sorry for being angry, pathetic, being silly even. Sorry for the inconvenience. And I'm especially sorry for being me!

(My laptop crashed and I was so scared this wasn't saved because I SPENT MORE THAN AN HOUR ON THIS WHILE I SHOULD BE STUDYING. The stress of it all, guys, the stress of it all. T⋏T)

this is a gift for @blu3berry4non, (for some reason it wouldn’t let me send it in their inbox??????) but yea…

Sorry this took so long :(