This Is Just Hilarious

This is just hilarious

Watching RE7 playthroughs and suddenly got a vision of Ethan not as a BSAA agent but as like a guest lecturer or smtg.

Chris asks Ethan comes in to speak to a class. All the BSAA agents in training are real confused. Ethan comes in looking like a wholeass dad. He’s wearing a pair of square tortoiseshell glasses, a creased button down that he’s tucked tight into khaki shorts with a ton of pockets. He’s carrying a brown briefcase that has seen better days and doesn’t match the brown of his shorts AT ALL.

He kind of stumbles up to the podium. He sets the briefcase down in front of him but doesn’t open it. He leans his hands on the lectern and rocks back and forth on his heels a little. Chris, in the corner of the room, gets a few concerned glances.

Ethan ruffles his hair and pushes his glasses back up his nose. He sniffs. “Alright the first rule to dealing with a situation involving a BOW is to find a weapon—“

He’s interrupted by a student in the front row who says, “Um who are you?”

Another one cuts in. “Yeah why should we listen to you?”

Ethan starts like he’s just remembered he left the stove on. “Sorry sorry I didn’t even introduce myself.” He smiles at them all. “Hi my name is Ethan Winters, I’m a bioweapon—“

Everyone in the class pulls out a gun and one person actually shoots Ethan, hitting him where his heart would be. The class gasps.

“Fuck!” Ethan shouts. Then his shoulder sort of ripples, and kind of spits the bullet out into Ethan’s waiting hand. He looks sheepishly at them all. “Sorry for swearing, that spot’s just been a little tender since Miranda ripped my heart out.”

He couldn’t mean Mother Miranda could he? Rumored to be the true progenitor of all bioweapons? Who enslaved a whole village for over a hundred years? He’s talking about her like she’s his next door neighbor Miranda.

“Oh and Chris knows I’m a bioweapon it’s ok he’s still fine with me being here.” Chris nods his agreement. “Because you see, I’m a rather rare transformed bioweapon. As in, I used to be just as human as all of you, but I came into contact with high concentrations of contaminated material and ended up forcibly changed into a bioweapon by some other BOWs I was fighting.”

The room has gone silent. Everyone’s eyes are wide. They’ve sat back down and stowed their weapons but can’t bring themselves to do anything else but gape at this man.

“Ok so, let’s try something different. How many of you have heard of the Dulvey incident?”

Tons of hands go up. “Ok great, good. So that was me. How about the Romania incident?”

A few shaky hands go up. “Yeah I figured it wouldn’t really be public knowledge but that one was me too. I mean, I’m saying it was me but I don’t mean that I like started the outbreak or caused all the damage.”

Chris lets out an amused questioning noise. Ethan’s head whips around to look at him. “Shut up Chris.”

That, more than anything, convinces the students that this guy is the REAL DEAL.

The lecture goes great, even if some of Ethan’s advice is rather specific. “And if you ever find yourself facing a shadow puzzle, make sure you remember the perspective, some objects will only fit the pattern if you turn them to match the size of the other items around them.”

Or is frankly not recommended. “Wait until right after she’s passed you then run like hell through the door she just exited.”

Or sounds like something only a completely insane person would do. “So she told me I’d never see my daughter again so I flipped her off and said ‘just like you’ll never see yours bitch.’ I thought it was really clever in the moment.”

But overall, they learn a lot, and when their regular lecturer comes back they all start begging him to take another vacation so Ethan can come and teach again. Ethan himself is confused but happy, Chris has never laughed so hard in his life.

More Posts from Bleu-light and Others

bleu-light

3 months ago

Thoughts! I really like silly things, so post movie 3 AU worms...

Robotnik puts up a personal radio tower, which has the side effect of improving reception for the whole town. The townsfolk think it's great and profusely thank him, and Robotnik is just like STOP STEALING MY RADIO WAVES

Stone works an an Uber Eats driver to keep up appearances, but if they need serious money Robotnik just hacks into some random country's treasury and steals some. Stone treats his job money as a personal allowance and buys them treats.

Stone has personal beef with this ONE particular guy over something petty and spends his time making that specific guy miserable

Shadow spends time with kids his own age, playing videogames, sports etc. but always hides his powers.

Shadow has a poor impression of Sonic cos Stobotnik badmouth him all the time (“mom said I’m not allowed to hang around with you” vibes).

Due to ARS Robotnik is frail and tires easy now, so he frequently leans on Stone these days, also lets Stone assist with the physical building of large machines.

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bleu-light

1 week ago

you don’t need 60 mini spell jars from etsy. you need FRESH AIR and THE SUN. ppl stop feeding witch overconsumption to baby witches and claiming they ‘NEED’ something for their practice. it’s ridiculous.

i’m currently working on a large post for free / extremely cheap witchcraft tips because this drives me up the wall.

— 🦌🌿☕️✨

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bleu-light

3 months ago

Something something Robotnik spent so much of his life having to make joy for himself on his own that he didn't realise Stone was important to him until Gerald tried to kill him and shattered his pre-concieved notions of what love was.

Being an orphan had a part in how he perceived the idea of love. He never had any friends, no romantic partners, because to him, there was no expectation that someone would inherently love him just for the sake of it. He was 'undesirable'. So, he entertained himself with his creations, and with his own personality.

He latched onto the chance to connect with his grandfather in Sonic 3 because to him, that relationship is where he expected to find someone who loved him on the basis that they were family.

Stone brought him happiness in ways so simple...

so unique...

so realistic...

that it wasn't until he was about to die that Robotnik clocked it as genuine care and affection. Something that Gerald never felt for him, and only Stone had ever given him.

So safe to say they make me insane actually

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bleu-light

9 months ago

I desperately need the money, so here’s Money Susie brought back.

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bleu-light

6 months ago

Do you ever get the urge to listen to a song but the only thing you can remember is like, two lyrics and you don't have it saved anywhere and can't recall the name?

Yeah, that's happening to me rn. All I can hear is "I'll never forgive him, i'll never forget" and it's this one guy singing and it's sort of like a rock song, idk. I can't remember what the song is and it's driving me insane, literally. Send help.

Update: it's been 10 minutes since I posted this and I found the song. I'm so mad about it, it's called four aces by fish in a bird cage

Tags

song memory issues

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bleu-light

4 months ago

he got that sass thrown back in his face in approximately 3 minutes (jayvik and the ugly fuck singed as sonic 3)

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bleu-light

5 months ago

Some Not So Serious Doodles About The Idea Where Silco Survived And Warwrick!Vander Found Him. I Did

Some not so serious doodles about the idea where Silco survived and Warwrick!Vander found him. I did these as fanservice for ME! Especially the clothes thing

(have fun trying to figure out the reading order of the third sketch dump)

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bleu-light

3 months ago

Some more Stobotnik doodles.

Stone gets comfortable with Game!Rob and Game!Rob is appreciating the ego stroking.

Should I have waited to clean up doodle comic ideas of Movie!Rob coming to get his Stone back before Posting super unpolished Game!Stone in a cell.... Perhaps.

Game!Stone appreciates being a kept man. Also Stones little fangs.

Tails got caught up in the romance and whimsy. Forgive him.

Just thinkin about Rob lacing his own fingers together when trying to bond with his grandfather only for his grandfather to really show what unconditional love is and then deny him.

But at least he understands now