Maintenance

Maintenance

It’s amazing how quickly a submissive can harden. The everydayness of life kicks in. Work and kids and grocery shopping and the to-do list that never ends. Rules become routine. They fade into the background, rather than feeling like active engagement in the dynamic. For me, I begin to sort of calcify. I handle my life and fulfill my obligations. I make sure everyone has what they need, including my Dominant. But I become guarded with my emotions. I stop being vulnerable.

Then that moment happens. I am told to strip. I get into position, over a lap or the bed. Hands caress my body, but they don’t quite reach me. There’s static on the line. The connection feels distant and abstract. I know I’m submissive, but my heart isn’t kneeling with my body.

The first few swats land. The warmth radiates through me. Oh, how I’ve missed this. But then the pain grows. And I fight it. I tell myself to let it flow, breathe through it and accept it. But the world has hardened me. Why do I want this? Do I really want it? But of course I do. I know I need the surrender. I need to lay myself bare for the one who owns me. And with a hand or flogger or paddle or cane, I begin to find my way. The hardness melts away, and only connection remains. Pure energy flowing between us. I feel owned and loved, seen and chosen. I feel lighter and stronger. Centered.

Spankings wash away the hardness that weighs down my submissive heart. But they can also keep it from settling in. Scheduled maintenance tells me how long I have to carry the weight and when I will be able to put it down. Maintenance sounds so unsexy and unspontaneous because you know it’s coming. But for me, that’s part of the magic: I know it’s coming. I can count on it to be there. And somehow just the fact of that keeps me calm and open and deferential. I know I can trust my Dominant to show up for me—to strip me down to my core and remind me who I am and where I belong.

It is so easy to forget that I need this. I drift away from submissiveness at times. I think we all do. But maintenance reminds me why I submit. It makes me feel whole in a way that I’d almost forgotten. It reminds me that this is fundamentally who I am, not just a thing I do. Maintenance brings me back to myself and my partner. It feels like coming home.