It’s A Scary Thing, This Life Could Be.

I’m waiting for you to leave my head. I’m waiting for you to say that we finally reach the end. But the truth is, we never really moved. We only stop moving. I never had the closure I needed, even though I was the one who pulled myself away from your grasp. You still sip into the cracks of my thoughts, dancing your way into my daydream. You are the best memory I’m trying to live without, but I can’t see the worth of risking another shot.

AA | 180606

:)

Library slash bedroom in Treme, New Orleans

I need someone right now. Someone I can tell what I'm feeling right now. That I'm sad and hurt. Just... Why don't I have friends? Why the fuck am I crying already? This is shit.

“The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.”

— Ritu Ghatourey

Why does it hurt to watch people leave me even if they mean nothing to me?

Or maybe, they actually mean something to me and I just don't want to acknowledge it so that I won't get hurt when they leave me?

But it still hurts tho. It hurts. So much.

Sat, Feb 20, 2021 - Sun, Feb 21, 2021 (Hah. I wrote this at 11 PM and finished at 12 AM.)

Have you ever envied people because they have group of friends? Their bond: the meet ups, group dates, group pictures, tagging on social medias because they somehow reminded them of this thing, and the way they talk to each other—yes, the comfortability.

Because I have. And I dislike it. I dislike feeling this way. It reminds me of how much of a loner I am—which shouldn't seem negative but it feels like it.

I don't have friends, and I say it's my fault. I am so asocial. Searching up my name results to the synonyms cold, dismissive, bitch-faced, nerd. Or may be, looking it up results to nothing at all because I am just no one. I am a nobody.

I want to have friends. But thinking about it now, it's impossible.

The kinds of friends I want? The extroverted ones. And extroverts seem to not like introverts. According to them, us, introverts are plain, boring, awkward, stoic. We are not fun to be with.

That's why it's really impossible to have what I want.

Imagine having a group photo where everyone else is posing so carefree, so chaotic and... there's me, standing straight, posing a peace sign, with an of course, awkward smile. Really not nice, right?

So what I'm saying is... I don't know. Really. Just why can't I have friends like that? Why can't I experience those things?

Maybe, my friends are really just books. Only that, I can't converse to them verbally. I can't share foods with them. Laugh together—because it would be so weird if books really laugh with me.

Hmm-mm. Friends.

...

...

Didn't I just wish earlier to be away with people?

Shit.

No texture studies by John Stone

“The biggest adventure you can ever take is to live the life of your dreams.” - Oprah Winfrey

“I was very fond of you, but now I’m so, so tired. I’m not happy to go, but one needn’t be happy to make another start.”

— Albert Camus

I love getting unaccompanied minors (kids flying alone) who so clearly just. Don't want to be here lol. Sometimes I get to know a little of their story, like their parents are divorced, or a family member died and they're heading to the funeral, but usually they just don't want to talk about it and that's fine. But I always treat the flight like it's a challenge to make them smile. I offer them snacks and soda but that's never enough, that's whatever, they could get those from an airport vending machine. Chump change. So then I tell the worst jokes. Just the most embarrassing, kindergarten teacher, annoying dad jokes you can think of. And those always get a groan, or a "Seriously??" And that's my in! Now I can say "Why, what's your idea of a good joke? No, come on hotshot, make your best joke, let's see it." And they hem and they haw but of course they eventually tell me their very best joke because kids are little competitive comedy goldmines. And it's always super funny, so I laugh, and that's where they slip up. Because you know what you almost always do when your joke successfully makes someone laugh? You smile. And I'm like. Gotcha. Rookie move. Now you're going to end up having a good time in spite of yourself. I win.