Some Pleasant Butterfly Memories.

A dark alley deal is about to take place... Not really though, the bathrooms are just very weirdly placed here.

It’s terrifying how accurate this is.

Some more Yellowstone landscape.

Y’know, I had this weird plan to separate myself from everyone. I figured if I just left and didn’t look back, then I could just stay by myself and nobody would bother me.

The plan was super simple. Just stop going to school, don’t make unnecessary contact online, and tell everyone when you see them that your doing fine by yourself. Tell them you prefer being by yourself, and they’ll leave you alone.

It worked.

The plan worked perfectly and, for the most part, I’m alone again.

I’m alone again.

Nobody really cares about me or my life. about the things that I like or dislike. Sometimes they say they do but I don’t really believe them. I have no reason to. It’s not like they’ve given me one. They’re always lying about themselves anyways. Hiding things from me, only to say them when they think I’ve left the room. That’s fine. I get that. The need to vent about your feelings is understandable and I’m not a very nice person to begin with, so I get why people don;t like me.

I wish that they did though.

I don’t like being alone.

I say that I do, but that’s not really true.

I just don’t like being scared and that’s all I ever seem to feel when I’m around people. I’m scared that I’ll mess up somehow and they’ll hate me like so many others already do.

(they all left me)

I hate that.

I hate that part of me that everyone seems to despise.

(all of me they hate all of me and so do i because i should)

That part of me relishes in those terrible feelings, in being feared and looked at with disgusted eyes. That part of me thinks it’s hilarious how much these feelings affect the rest of me.

“It’s fine.” She says with her sickening smiles and empty eyes.

(terrifying monster makes me sick want to vomit)

“It’s not.” I mutter because I’m too tired to say it louder.

(so tired just want sleep stop it let it stop please)

It’s always been like this and that’s not fine but it also is.

(its not it never was)

Because I’m worthless and that’s just how it is has been and always will be.

(it hurts)

That’s fine.

(its not)

I’m not though.

(im not)

...

The plan worked.

(it hurts)

I’m alone again.

(i didnt want it)

I’m not as happy about that as I thought I’d be.

(i wasnt happy to begin with)

(we never were)

Bisexual Struggles

So I have a specific group of people that I would usually hang out with in chorus. One of those people is a rather sweet and adorable girl named Kirsten and another is an awesome and attractive guy named Daniel. 

I was quite happy to call them my friends and was even happier when they actually invited me to go and hang out with them outside of chorus. 

Then I realized that I might have a thing for Kirsten. Then that thing exploded and I had to restrain myself from constantly coming onto my, probably straight, female friend. 

Then she started dating Daniel, which was fine.

Until I started to develop a thing for him as well. Then things got complicated.

Kirsten is wonderful and I enjoy hanging out with her but I also really enjoy hanging out with Daniel. So I accepted when I was invited to hang out with them at the shopping center nearby. This became a problem because I ended up hanging out with only Kirsten for a good portion of the first time and then both times I ended up sharing all of my food and his food with Daniel.

This was awesome for me because I had always wanted to be able to share space and food and belongings with the people I’m close to. I tend to get kind of clingy when I really like people and I really liked both of them.

Unfortunately, as I mentioned before, they were dating each other. 

So, over the course of three months, I developed two incredibly painful crushes on two absolutely amazing people that I didn’t even stand a chance with.

My response to this predicament was the only possible solution I could come up with.

I failed all of my classes and decided not to go to college anymore. 

And that’s the end of that.

*sighs wearily*

Bruh, same.

Have you ever realized the story you’re writing is destined to be absolute trash and then kept writing anyways? Yeah that’s what I’m doing. This au will not be my best work but I do not give a darn. I’m going to ruin my fanfic writing career with a smile on my stupid looking face.

Fujoshi Struggles

So I finally watched “Yuri on Ice” recently and it was much better than I expected it to be. Especially since I don’t really like watching sports anime. I keep listening to the soundtrack and quietly crying.

However, it spoiled me so I took forever trying to find something else just as good.

I ended up reading through the manga for “Ajin” which was pretty good and then reread this absolutely adorable manga called “How to Keep a Mummy” and then wound up reading “Nanbaka” because it looked colorful and possibly gay so I figured, “Why the heck not.”

Then I had to watch the anime and my heart just completely exploded. Fucking Jyugo and his amazing eyes and crazy knife hands. He needs all of the hugs and his misfortune makes my soul hurt.

Then I spent a while being upset about finishing both the manga and the anime and figured I’d just wander through the “yaoi” tag on tumblr to drown in my sorrows. Then I found “No. 6″.

I died again and I’m not sure how much more I can really take at this point. 

The world has become so much gayer recently and I think that’s awesome.

What are y’all talking about?

Can’t you see that this is literally EVERYBODY?

I would die for Natsume Takashi

Virgil: Yeaterday in class, Logan asked if I was okay.

Virgil: I panicked and responded with “ I’m gay. “ …I accidentally combined the words ‘ fine ‘ and ‘ great ‘

Virgil: Now everyone in my class thinks I’m gay

Same

“I’m alive but only ironically.”

— Virgil Sanders, probably