I Crave INTIMACY Desperately, But When I’m Touched I Pull Myself Away. It’s Been So Long Since I’ve

It's not fair

I try to make something beautiful of my pain, but sometimes I just have to sit with it. Sometimes all you can do is sit with it.

Relatable

Mine ♰

Looking back, I’ll never tell you it was easy to get to where I am today..

I am far from where I want to be and I have much still left to learn and understand about myself and life.

It’s been a long and hard journey that has taken everything I have,

And truthfully,

Most days I don’t know how I survive.

I get knocked down and kicked around until I think I can’t go on..

But I do and always have..

You do it long enough that survival mode becomes a way of life.

Honestly, I’ve done most of the damage to myself with bad decisions and self doubt,

But that’s just part of the process, I guess.

I never thought I’d learn to rise above and find my way,

But I did and I still am, every day.

And I’m still learning- I have far yet to go.

I have days that take everything I’ve got to survive and nights that seem to never end.

I’ve been a horrible person but I’ve also chosen to do good things too.

I’m flawed, broken and messed up..

But I also have a big heart, beautiful thoughts and a kind spirit..

And it’s a battle between both sides, every day.

I have more good days than bad now, but it’s still hard.

I don’t win as much as I lose,

But that’s okay.

I’m learning, I’m growing and I’m trying to be better today than I was yesterday.

I can’t ever take back all the pain I’ve caused and I can’t undo the wrong I’ve done..

But I’m trying to make amends, rebuild trust and maybe in time, be a good person..

Or at least feel good about where I am in my journey.

I don’t like what I see in the mirror and haven’t in a long time..

But there are glimpses of hope every so often.

I know it’ll take time, but I’m working on it- working on me, one day at a time the best that I can.

So, maybe some day when you see me finally flying high and shining brightly,

I’ll tell you the story of how I found my wings..

It won’t be a tale of glorious victory and dazzling dreams..

No, it’ll be a story of failure, darkness and fighting to get better and be stronger.

It won’t be shiny and happy, but it’ll be real..

And it’ll be me.

And in the end, that’s what will matter most in my journey:

That I battled, kept going and found my way.

Overcame my failures and learned from my mistakes.

Maybe it’ll be a beautiful day, that day when I tell you that story.

Maybe not.

But it will be real.

And that’s the kind of stuff that matters.

The painful hard truths that get us where we need to be.

One glorious but messy day at a time.

a cozy quilt

Tonight I want to speak to those who have asked daily but have received no answer.

Ask Him again, for your mother to be healed

Ask Him again, for that job

Ask Him again, for that financial breakthrough

Ask Him again, for deliverance

Ask Him again, for wisdom

Ask Him again, for that father to be a father

Ask Him again, for favor with your business

Ask Him again, for covering with your children

Ask Him again, for that house

Ask Him again, for that career breakthrough

Ask Him again, for strength in weakness

Ask Him again, to mend that broken friendship

Ask Him again, to healed your heart

Ask Him again, for him to give you a child

Ask Him again, for better days

Ask Him again, for peace in the storm

Ask Him again, for a renewed spirit

Ask Him again, for help with your faith

Ask Him again, for help with loving people

This week, talk to God as if your life depended on the conversation. Ask Him again...

Depression sucks.. it sneaks up on you when you feel like it is too much to handle. I’m in my feelings tonight, I have so much to be grateful for but there’s just that feeling of guilt, shame, sadness, when does it ever end?! All I can do is feel and sit with it all while I am HEALING ❤️‍🩹

“Everyone wants a strong woman until she actually stands up, flexes her muscles, projects her voice Suddenly, she is too much. She has forgotten her place. You love those women as ideas, as fantasies Not as breathing, living humans threatening to be even better than you could ever be”

— Ari Eastman

State Fair 🎡

“There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.”

— Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey