It Sucks So Much To Be So Desperate To Feel Loved, Yet So Incapable Of Beliving I Deserve It...

it’s my account and i can do what i want with it. TW.

the taste of copper in my own mouth is overwhelming.

what i wouldn’t give to live normally. live without the consistent craving of the intimacy and abuse cocktail.

i want to be hurt just as i want to be loved.

the difference is, i deserve to be hurt.

and it pains me, knowing that i could just as easily be thrown away. i’m nothing special. i know that. we can pretend that i am all we want, but i know.

i know that, if i were being auctioned off, no one would try. “next up, it’s captain grant curly! starting of at a hundred, anyone?….anyone?….”

i know. i know i’m damaged beyond repair, i know i’m worthless. everything is so heavy right now, and that’s quite alright. i was made to carry burdens. the weight of holding everyone’s secrets weigh me down, and as i fall behind, the growing ache in my chest throbs.

what i wouldn’t give to lay my head down in your lap, let your fingers run through my hair, and let the world go quiet. even then, i wouldn’t be worth a penny. but maybe, just maybe, i would bring you the barest hint of happiness.

i need to clean my room. i need to pack my bag. i need to do my laundry. i’ve been living here for almost two werks, and i barely packed enough clothes to last me three days.

what i really need to do is shut up. because no one gives a damn. i keep telling myself, “get it together, grant.” and then i continue messing things up. i need to be guided.

i need to eat. i can’t remember the last time i ate.

you mentioned having a busy day ahead of yourself, so i should probably let you get on with your tasks. good luck with your todo list. i will catch up with you later ^^ -⛓

well, if you wanted to stop talking, you’ve could’ve said so. /teasing. my todo list doesn’t start until around 9:30 my time. i’ve got a bit of time.

trying to envision the pout you've got plastered on while trying to refute my words. reveling in it.

– ✘

i don’t pout, jimmy. i’m a grown man.

im sorry,, i didnt mean to make you uncomfortable... im still scared to reveal myself so i might wait before i message you. hype myself up or something.. if you think you know you can message me i think..

i now realise i was spiralling, and you shouldnt have to deal with that. im going to go ground myself or something, maybe nap.. hope your day goes well and you look after yourself.

-⛓

you look after yourself as well. you haven’t made me uncomfortable. you can take all the time you need.

ive slowly been making less and less of an effort to hide things i think would give me away ^^' i have faith you will figure it out before i have the confidence to reveal myself hehehe -⛓

i have only the inkling of an idea.

pick your poison (version of me):

— fuzzy-brained, whorish puppy

— self-hating, disgusting mutt

— your loyal, possessive dog.

the swirl of reddish pink down the drain makes me reminisce on my better days.

it was so much easier when we all wore jumpsuits on the tulpar.

i’m going to burn in hell. and i’ll take nothing but the sweet memories of you with me.

please, don’t bother reading. it’s just another tw’d vent post. what’s the point.

god, i’m useless.

what kind of captain thinks like this? what kind of captain puts himself first? i’m pathetic.

i just want to be good for someone. i just want to be someone’s first choice, their favorite.

i don’t want to be a leftover. i don’t want to be left behind.

i don’t want to be alone again.

i can’t be alone again.

my thighs hurt so much. my head and fingers and toes are throbbing, probably from blood loss. i can’t keep doing this to myself.

i can’t keep running from my problems.

don’t you know that I’M the only one who can satisfy you in this way? the only one who could quench that deep, growing need to take control? the only one you let close, the only one you let lie in your bed at night?

i’m the only one.

I hope you forgive me for ruining everything